I have been doing a lot of soul searching about our situation and in the process and I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed. It sounds really stupid to say it that way. I think I've handled the last three years pretty well, all things considered. I have this blog where I vent about all things IF related but in real life? You would never know - unless you were my husband or best friend. I do not talk about it. With those two (husband and best friend) I have hit lows and highs. They've seen me cry, become angry, laugh, joke, and sulk but I've never truly felt depressed. Until now.
Now I find myself somewhere between despair and numbness. I feel so sad that I am sure I should start sobbing at any minute but I don't. It's like I feel so much that I can't feel anything and I'm sure that doesn't make any sense but that is how I feel. I'm just not doing very well right now.
Like I said, I've been soul searching and really trying to dig deep to figure out which path we should take. I think that if we opt not to do IVF that someday, maybe one year from now or maybe 10 years from now, I will greatly regret not trying. I also know that if we end up pregnant from this IVF cycle, there will be no regrets about giving it one last shot. So, my decision should be clear, yes?
It's not. I still can't bring myself to talk to DH about it or say it aloud. I haven't call to speak to the financial coordinator or completed the medical records release form. I haven't done a damn thing and I'm not sure why? Maybe because I am so angry that we have to make this decision or go through this process at all. Why do we have to decide to go through medically invasive procedures and pay thousands of dollars to have a baby. Why? Why us? It is not fair. And I'm still so scared of failure - of what it would do to my spirit and my marriage. It would be one very large hurdle to get over and while I know that we would, it doesn't make the process any less daunting.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
$13,300 = 58% chance of success
Would you take those odds? Would you plop down $13k on a blackjack table knowing there is only a 58% chance of winning?
Going to our appointment was rough. I have been so numb to all of this for months now and so I was surprised that the second I sat down in the chair and our RE opened his mouth, I had instant tears in my eyes. What he said to us was no real surprise, there was nothing new for me to learn but for some reason I had a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. In fact, every time I give it any real time or though, I start crying. All of it is just so completely unfair. I know I need to get past that and accept our situation for what it is but it is just so hard. And going to that appointment was like having someone jabbing a big stick at an old wound. It hurt.
DH doesn't have an answer. He says he is a strong 50/50. Great, because that is exactly where I am at - a strong 50/50.
I honestly don't know what to do. I just wish someone would tell me and make the decision for me. I said that to my mom and her response was, "do it". That seems easy enough but it isn't that easy. It just isn't.
Because what if it doesn't work? Or...what if it works and we have twins? I can honestly say I don't want twins. Then I think, beggars can't be choosers and then I get mad because why am I considered a beggar? It's not our fault that DH was born with low morphology. Why the hell is that not considered a medical condition??? It is and it's bullshit. And yes, we can transfer just one embryo but our odds are better transferring two so that would be the smarter decision if we are only doing this one time. But I really, really don't want multiples. And I really, really don't want to pay $13k and go through all the emotions just to have it all fail. I can't image what it feels like to make a payment each month and have a constant reminder of failure and the loss of hope. I know a lot of people out there who do it but I'm just not sure I am strong enough to let go fo that huge range of emotions each time you sit down to make that payment, month after month.
You see? My mind goes around and around for hours like this if I let it. It is making me sick.
I'm trying to turn it over, let the right answer just come to me but so far, no luck.
I don't know.
Going to our appointment was rough. I have been so numb to all of this for months now and so I was surprised that the second I sat down in the chair and our RE opened his mouth, I had instant tears in my eyes. What he said to us was no real surprise, there was nothing new for me to learn but for some reason I had a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. In fact, every time I give it any real time or though, I start crying. All of it is just so completely unfair. I know I need to get past that and accept our situation for what it is but it is just so hard. And going to that appointment was like having someone jabbing a big stick at an old wound. It hurt.
DH doesn't have an answer. He says he is a strong 50/50. Great, because that is exactly where I am at - a strong 50/50.
I honestly don't know what to do. I just wish someone would tell me and make the decision for me. I said that to my mom and her response was, "do it". That seems easy enough but it isn't that easy. It just isn't.
Because what if it doesn't work? Or...what if it works and we have twins? I can honestly say I don't want twins. Then I think, beggars can't be choosers and then I get mad because why am I considered a beggar? It's not our fault that DH was born with low morphology. Why the hell is that not considered a medical condition??? It is and it's bullshit. And yes, we can transfer just one embryo but our odds are better transferring two so that would be the smarter decision if we are only doing this one time. But I really, really don't want multiples. And I really, really don't want to pay $13k and go through all the emotions just to have it all fail. I can't image what it feels like to make a payment each month and have a constant reminder of failure and the loss of hope. I know a lot of people out there who do it but I'm just not sure I am strong enough to let go fo that huge range of emotions each time you sit down to make that payment, month after month.
You see? My mind goes around and around for hours like this if I let it. It is making me sick.
I'm trying to turn it over, let the right answer just come to me but so far, no luck.
I don't know.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
IVF consult tomorrow
Well, tomorrow is the big day. We'll meet with our RE and ultimately decide what path we are going to take. I'm truly and completely sitting right on the fence. I have tried to look at this appointment more as closure rather than taking the next step in terms of having a baby.
Because really? I don't know if I want to do IVF or not. I've give this so much thought over the last few week and I go back and forth SO much.
If I could go through it and have a baby - the answer would be yes. Of that I am pretty certain. I am just so scared of going through the process only have it end with failure. I'm scared of what that will do to DH and I. To "us". I'm scared of making a payment every month for failure and being reminded constantly of it. I'm scared of surrendering all hope once and for all. And I truly, truly am not being intentionally negative, I am just being realistic. I am not naive about this process and I haven't been for a long time.
I'm also a bit scared for success. As much as I would love another child, I am also being realistic about what that means for our family and for me physically. For one thing, I had hyperemesis with Keegan and to go through that again scares the hell out of me. It was hard enough last time but this time I would have a five year old thrown into the mix and I couldn't just curl up in a ball and not function every day like I did last time. I know the end result is worth it, obviously, but it doesn't make the situation any easier at the time.
Also, financially, it will make a big difference. We'd have the expense of IVF and the expense of another child. Doubling daycare, buying diapers again, etc.
And can I just say how unfair it is that infertility is NOT covered on our insurance?? WTF? How is this not considered a medical condition? If we needed Via*gra, it would be covered. If I was a smoker and wanted to quit, it would be covered. Total bullshit as far as I'm concerned.
There are just so many details floating around in my head right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what I want to have happen tomorrow.
Because really? I don't know if I want to do IVF or not. I've give this so much thought over the last few week and I go back and forth SO much.
If I could go through it and have a baby - the answer would be yes. Of that I am pretty certain. I am just so scared of going through the process only have it end with failure. I'm scared of what that will do to DH and I. To "us". I'm scared of making a payment every month for failure and being reminded constantly of it. I'm scared of surrendering all hope once and for all. And I truly, truly am not being intentionally negative, I am just being realistic. I am not naive about this process and I haven't been for a long time.
I'm also a bit scared for success. As much as I would love another child, I am also being realistic about what that means for our family and for me physically. For one thing, I had hyperemesis with Keegan and to go through that again scares the hell out of me. It was hard enough last time but this time I would have a five year old thrown into the mix and I couldn't just curl up in a ball and not function every day like I did last time. I know the end result is worth it, obviously, but it doesn't make the situation any easier at the time.
Also, financially, it will make a big difference. We'd have the expense of IVF and the expense of another child. Doubling daycare, buying diapers again, etc.
And can I just say how unfair it is that infertility is NOT covered on our insurance?? WTF? How is this not considered a medical condition? If we needed Via*gra, it would be covered. If I was a smoker and wanted to quit, it would be covered. Total bullshit as far as I'm concerned.
There are just so many details floating around in my head right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what I want to have happen tomorrow.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
One step at a time
First of all, thank you so much for your support and caring words. I really needed to hear from you and know that I wasn't alone or crazy for feeling so messed up about all of this. I am having a really tough time "going there" again.
But.
I took a deep breath this morning and called my RE's office. I talked to a nurse about next steps for IVF and apparently she put out an "order" on me, which basically gets the ball rolling on their end. They'll send me all the IVF procedural and financial information via mail and I'll be on their call list for IVF scheduling. When they call, I can give them a yes or a no as to whether I would like to be scheduled. I was a bit surprised when she told me that I did not even need to see the doctor to move forward with IVF. It reminded me again of why I HATE fertility clinics. Because seriously? How backwards is that? It makes me feel like all they want is my money and they don't care if I am getting the proper treatment or not. Despite what she said, I scheduled an IVF conference with my RE and it is set for November 25. I put it off for awhile so I could give it more thought overall as well as start researching financing, shared risk, etc. I figure we can talk to Dr. K on the 25th and then decide, one way or another. Like you all said, I can say no at any point.
I also emailed another fertility clinic and asked them to send me IVF information as well. I googled the four clinics in the area last night and read every scrap of information on them and it seems as though they all have their good and bad but this one stuck out for some reason so I thought, why not? A lady from the clinic responded to my email within minutes telling me that they were having a free IVF seminar tonight and I was welcome to attend. I actually would love to go but the tonight part freaked me out. Plus, I'd obviously want DH to attend and he is out of town until Sunday. Unfortunately, the next seminar is November 12 and I will out out of town so I will have to wait until December 10 to attend. Maybe it is for the better, I've already got it in my head that IF - and that is a big IF - we decide to go down this path, it'll be after the first of the year anyway.
By the way, if anyone out there is from Minnesota and has any info or personal experience about IVF here (or I guess just in general), please let me know. I just want to make sure that we are making a very informed decision.
I've been pretty crabby all day and I know it is because of all this crap. It is like picking a scab.
But.
I took a deep breath this morning and called my RE's office. I talked to a nurse about next steps for IVF and apparently she put out an "order" on me, which basically gets the ball rolling on their end. They'll send me all the IVF procedural and financial information via mail and I'll be on their call list for IVF scheduling. When they call, I can give them a yes or a no as to whether I would like to be scheduled. I was a bit surprised when she told me that I did not even need to see the doctor to move forward with IVF. It reminded me again of why I HATE fertility clinics. Because seriously? How backwards is that? It makes me feel like all they want is my money and they don't care if I am getting the proper treatment or not. Despite what she said, I scheduled an IVF conference with my RE and it is set for November 25. I put it off for awhile so I could give it more thought overall as well as start researching financing, shared risk, etc. I figure we can talk to Dr. K on the 25th and then decide, one way or another. Like you all said, I can say no at any point.
I also emailed another fertility clinic and asked them to send me IVF information as well. I googled the four clinics in the area last night and read every scrap of information on them and it seems as though they all have their good and bad but this one stuck out for some reason so I thought, why not? A lady from the clinic responded to my email within minutes telling me that they were having a free IVF seminar tonight and I was welcome to attend. I actually would love to go but the tonight part freaked me out. Plus, I'd obviously want DH to attend and he is out of town until Sunday. Unfortunately, the next seminar is November 12 and I will out out of town so I will have to wait until December 10 to attend. Maybe it is for the better, I've already got it in my head that IF - and that is a big IF - we decide to go down this path, it'll be after the first of the year anyway.
By the way, if anyone out there is from Minnesota and has any info or personal experience about IVF here (or I guess just in general), please let me know. I just want to make sure that we are making a very informed decision.
I've been pretty crabby all day and I know it is because of all this crap. It is like picking a scab.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Never say never.
DH and I went out for a date on Saturday night and somehow stumbled into an infertility discussion. He actually brought it up and at first I was tempted to push it all aside but it turned out to be a really productive and interesting conversation. I cannot believe how far my DH has come on this crazy journey. I remember the days of anger and tears when it came to these discussion between us, we always seemed worlds apart. And now? Well, we've both been through the ringer and I guess that matured us in many ways. I've never doubted that DH wanted another baby but I always thought that deep down, he really didn't want one that bad. You know?
So, when I heard IVF come out of his mouth on Saturday night I just about fell off my chair. I was surprised...but also? I was not jumping for joy over the fact that we were having the discussion. I always thought that if DH suggested IVF (because I always thought the ball was in his court as far as IVF) that I would be so excited and ready to take that route. It turns out, I have SO many mixed feeling about it. Which I probably knew deep down and it is probably why I've never pushed IVF.
We haven't decided to do IVF or anything - we've more just peaking in the window of that possibility. I'm supposed to make an appointment with our RE to discuss options, costs, protocol, etc. The thing is - we decided this on Saturday and here it is Wednesday and I have yet to make the call.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of hoping, I've truly moved so far away from actively TTC in the last couple of months and I have been working so hard to make peace with our situation. IVF wasn't remotely on my radar and now all my thoughts are bumping around and getting tangled up together in my head. Money, timing, multiples, shots, financing, ultrasounds, shared risk (anyone?), ICSI (anyone?).
Oh God. I can't believe this is our reality. I cannot believe that we cannot make a baby like "normal" couples do. It is just so unfair.
I'll eventually make that appointment because if nothing else, it may be good closure. But what if it isn't? What if I walk away wanting to give it one more BIG try? What then?
So, when I heard IVF come out of his mouth on Saturday night I just about fell off my chair. I was surprised...but also? I was not jumping for joy over the fact that we were having the discussion. I always thought that if DH suggested IVF (because I always thought the ball was in his court as far as IVF) that I would be so excited and ready to take that route. It turns out, I have SO many mixed feeling about it. Which I probably knew deep down and it is probably why I've never pushed IVF.
We haven't decided to do IVF or anything - we've more just peaking in the window of that possibility. I'm supposed to make an appointment with our RE to discuss options, costs, protocol, etc. The thing is - we decided this on Saturday and here it is Wednesday and I have yet to make the call.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of hoping, I've truly moved so far away from actively TTC in the last couple of months and I have been working so hard to make peace with our situation. IVF wasn't remotely on my radar and now all my thoughts are bumping around and getting tangled up together in my head. Money, timing, multiples, shots, financing, ultrasounds, shared risk (anyone?), ICSI (anyone?).
Oh God. I can't believe this is our reality. I cannot believe that we cannot make a baby like "normal" couples do. It is just so unfair.
I'll eventually make that appointment because if nothing else, it may be good closure. But what if it isn't? What if I walk away wanting to give it one more BIG try? What then?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Taking it day by day
I dont know who I am, who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.
That song is playing in my office right now and I started thinking about that verse in terms of IF. Who am I if I am no longer fighting infertility? Because I seriously don't know.
One minute I am fine and the next I am pissed off. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am very content not to have another baby. And then? I see a pregnant woman walk by me and instantly think, "Lucky bitch!" Back to back opposite thoughts...so yeah, how am I doing?
I'm not sure what to write here because if I try to type out what I am feeling and where I am at with IF and what the "plan" is, I just can't do it. I don't know. Or I do know but it changes from day to day or sometimes minute to minute.
I think DH is just holding his breath, quietly, and waiting for me to drop the bomb. To either tell him out loud that "Yes, we are done!" or "Let's try one more time!" I know he supports whichever path I want to take but I just can't bring myself to talk about it out loud - to him or anyone. Every now and then he'll make a small mention to me about this or that and I basically say that I don't know and don't want to discuss it yet. We had one small conversation a few weeks (maybe longer?) back about what our "plan" is and I told him straight out that I am pretty sure I'm done but I'm not ready to commit yet. Therefore, I chose to not decide at this point and time but I promised that I wouldn't wait forever in not deciding either.
God, is this rambling enough? I'll stop.
I just don't know about anything.
All I know is that I should.
That song is playing in my office right now and I started thinking about that verse in terms of IF. Who am I if I am no longer fighting infertility? Because I seriously don't know.
One minute I am fine and the next I am pissed off. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am very content not to have another baby. And then? I see a pregnant woman walk by me and instantly think, "Lucky bitch!" Back to back opposite thoughts...so yeah, how am I doing?
I'm not sure what to write here because if I try to type out what I am feeling and where I am at with IF and what the "plan" is, I just can't do it. I don't know. Or I do know but it changes from day to day or sometimes minute to minute.
I think DH is just holding his breath, quietly, and waiting for me to drop the bomb. To either tell him out loud that "Yes, we are done!" or "Let's try one more time!" I know he supports whichever path I want to take but I just can't bring myself to talk about it out loud - to him or anyone. Every now and then he'll make a small mention to me about this or that and I basically say that I don't know and don't want to discuss it yet. We had one small conversation a few weeks (maybe longer?) back about what our "plan" is and I told him straight out that I am pretty sure I'm done but I'm not ready to commit yet. Therefore, I chose to not decide at this point and time but I promised that I wouldn't wait forever in not deciding either.
God, is this rambling enough? I'll stop.
I just don't know about anything.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I'm that girl
I feel like everyone around me (online) is turning up pregnant. And while I'm happy for them all - it still hurts. I know there are a few of you out who I haven't commented on yet (and how I consider good online friend) and please, please, please don't take it personally. I'm sorry I am being so selfish but don't give up on me, I just need to breathe for a moment. If it was one of you, it would be much easier to swallow but there have been five this week. Five! What is in the water you girls are drinking?? Please send some to me.
I'm just scared. I'm going to that girl. The one who didn't find success. The sad story that you mention to friends. The one who gets forgotten.
I used to have a long list of IF blogs that I read and now that list is almost gone (in the sense of those actively TTC). Don't get me wrong - that is great. Way better than the alternative. But still, it is hard to swallow for my own selfish sake.
35 cycles this time around - THIRTY FIVE. And? Nothing. Defeat.
I'm just scared. I'm going to that girl. The one who didn't find success. The sad story that you mention to friends. The one who gets forgotten.
I used to have a long list of IF blogs that I read and now that list is almost gone (in the sense of those actively TTC). Don't get me wrong - that is great. Way better than the alternative. But still, it is hard to swallow for my own selfish sake.
35 cycles this time around - THIRTY FIVE. And? Nothing. Defeat.
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